That is what the New York Times is calling our Miami Heat leader (read article here) because Lebron James has signed with the Miami Heat.

You are probably aware of whats been going on for the last few weeks concerning Mr. James – that is unless you’ve been unconscious during that time. The media speculation concerning his possible relocation to another city and team has dominated all news medium. Forget Deep Water Horizon, Afghan bombers, financial meltdowns, Elena Kagan; the only story that placed a distant second place was the news and hoopla surrounding Lindsay Lohan’s jail sentence for parole violation.

The list of cities that courted and cajoled Mr. James was impressive. Besides Miami there was New York (Knicks & NJ Nets), Chicago (Bulls), Cleveland (Cavs – his previous team). It has been rumored that Osama bin Ladin offered LBJ 72 virgins if he signed with the Karachi Kavedwellers and Vladimir Putin offered LBJ a ‘Get Out of Siberia Free’ card if he signed with the Moscow Commissars.

But Miami won! And so to all those ‘sour-grapers’ I send a sincere and heartfelt raspberry! This has been a paradigm shifting moment. Even those who don’t follow basketball, will be affected by the arrival to the Magic City of King James. Among the changes to this community that will occur as a result are:

  • Miami-Dade County will be renamed James-Wade County.
  • Biscayne Blvd will be renamed “LeBron Blvd.”; Flagler Street will be renamed “DWade St.”
  • I-95 will be redesignated “J-6”.
  • The Florida (soon to be Miami) Marlins will begin all home games with a six-run lead (in honor of James uniform number).
  • Likewise, all Miami Dolphin home games will begin with the Dolphins leading 6-0 and will start with the P.A.T.

The Miami Heat are expected to be crowned division champions after the third regular season game; the rest of the teams will forfeit to Miami rather than experience such humiliating losses (they’ll win their first three games by a combined score of 23,000 to 1). The sell-out crowds will be screaming the words of Livan Hernandez, “Eye Loff Jew My Yammy!). There will be daily ticker tape parades for Lebron down Biscayne LeBron Blvd. Charlie Crist is asking what political party Lebron belongs to so that he can switch to that party.

Yep – It’s good to be in Miami… until the Heat lose their first game, then our faith in Lebron will be shaken. Should they lose a second game, there will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the streets. If they should ever, ever, EVER, lose a third game, then life will return to pre-Lebron normalcy: the stadiums will be empty, the Heat will be a faded memory and Dade County will return to normal (the county’s motto is: Delivering Xsellance Every Dey).

¡Eye Loff Jew My Yammy!